What To Do When You're Not Where You Want to Be

Last week I published two blog post about setting goals and finding clarity on where we want to go with our lives. They both highlight the importance of getting clear on where you want to go in life, but there are other ways that clarity—or lack thereof—can affect your progress too.

The Strange Ways We Avoid Setting Goals

As strange as it might sound, us humans are often prone to avoid setting goals or ambitions for ourselves. The whole concept might seem scary or run against our self worth. Worse yet is that we rarely do this in such a way that enables us to catch ourselves doing it. We tend to “trick” ourselves as a way to avoid even having the conversation at all.

One specific way that I’ve seen lots of people I’ve worked with avoid getting clear on where they want to go in life is to instead focus their energy on where they DON’T want to be.

What this typically looks like is when I ask a person about a vision or where they want to go with their life, they avoid entertaining the possibility and instead huff out a retort like, “not here!”

Other times the answer can be more subtle but still come from the same essential mindset.

We’ll say things like, “I want to work less,” “I want to make more money,” or “I’m sick of being single.”

And while there’s nothing wrong with these desires, they don’t help us get any closer to our goals. They keep us focused on what we DON’T have instead of what we DO want to create.

And you know what? It’s all understandable.

Usually, this type of response stems from a frustration or set of frustrations that makes it hard to see or believe in what could be possible. It’s a very sophisticated method of avoidance that keeps us “comfortably stuck” in a place that doesn’t make us happy, but is at least familiar.

We’ll address what this all means in future posts, but for now let’s explore ways we can start working around this.

How To Focus On What You Want (Rather Than What You DON’T Want)

The trick is to try to shift your focus away from what you DON’T want and more into what you DO want, and paint a picture of where you do want to go.

If you want to “work less,” stop to think about what it would mean to work less and focus more on what you would do with the extra time off. Would you travel six weeks a year, go sailing everyday at 3 p.m., or sleep-in until noon? Whatever it is, write it down and make those your goals.

If you want more money, what would you do with that money? Would you buy a big house? A fancy car? Or just revel in the additional financial security? Whatever it is, start making those your goals.

If you want a relationship, envision what that relationship would be like. What would you do? How would you interact? In what ways would you add to each other's lives?

You get the point.

Here’s your homework…

Over the next week, observe yourself closely.

Try to notice whenever you catch yourself focusing on what you DON’T want. If possible, write down what comes up or even send yourself a note through your phone.

At a time in the not too distant future, sit down with all those DON’T wants and write out some visualization on what you DO want instead. The more specific the better.

If you’re open to share, I’d love to hear what you come up with. Either put it in the comments or send it to me via an email. If you need help with the exercise, feel free to ask too.