When I first started on my own personal growth journey, the hardest part was a persistent set of voices in my head that just didn’t want to do it.
These voices would alternate between a taunting third grade voice telling me I was stupid, a condescending voice from a friend that would say something like “are you too good for us now?”, a more current judgmental voice that was me saying “what makes you think you deserve a better life?”, and even a young kindergarten age “voice” of myself that just didn’t want to do it.
I would reason with myself about why each step of my growth was a bad idea. There was no “pot of gold” to be found. It’s all stupid nonsense. Life is hard and not meant to be happy. I told myself any effort towards improvement would all be a pathetic waste.
I would see other people stumbling through their own personal growth steps and silently cast all sorts of snide judgements their way. I would think they were a “show off,” reason that any progress they did make solely stemmed from some positive luck they were born into that I had no access to. I would secretly hope for their failure.
Other times it was just a vague resistant feeling. I was positive there was something better on the other side of my efforts, I knew I wanted it. But… I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to face it. I would back off and find excuses at crucial moments. A strange sense of guilt and comfort would settle into my mind at these times.
And other times still it was almost like my mind turned off. It refused to imagine what could be or even entertain the idea that it was available for me. There was a masochistic pride that made me want to “enjoy” being unhappy.
Maybe you’ve experienced similar things yourself.
I came to realize that the term for this was “resistance.” And unless you want to stay stuck where you are forever you’re going to have to deal with this.
Resistance comes from your ego. Your ego is an aspect of your psyche that seeks to balance your primal needs and desires (id) with morals and social expectations (superego).
The primary goal of your ego is to protect you.
What is it protesting you from?
CHANGE!
Your ego doesn’t want you to change. It can’t distinguish between positive or negative change. It just wants stasis and familiarity.
From the point of view of the ego, you’ve made it this far doing things the way you’ve been doing things, so why change it?
This is a hold over from the lives of our ancient ancestors, where even the slightest misstep could be fatal.
In those days of prehistory, humans were dependent on each other for survival. This meant maintaining a strict social cohesion that might have made sense then, but is detrimental to us now. I’d even argue that it’s been exploited to keep us all under control.
Your ego makes change very very uncomfortable. To the point of paralyzing. And it can be incredibly convincing and underhanded in how it gets its way.
So how do we tackle this beast?
The truth is you’ve gotta start making changes. You need to expand the reality that your ego is willing to accept.
For some of you, just knowing this dynamic is happening in your mind can be enough to move past it. For others it’s going to take some work.
Start making changes. These can be subtle changes at first. The goal is to constantly confront your comfort zone, to expand what your ego is used to and give you more active cognitive control over what you deem “safe” or not.
When I first started my journey, I was one of those people that showered every day and constantly worried about smelling bad. So I quit showering. I tried to see how many days I could go without showering. At first I’d make it 2-3 days between showers, then 3-4, then 4-5. It wasn’t anything profound, but it helped me get over a subtle fear and set the stage for bigger leaps later.
I also used to dress in very drab oversized clothes. It was part of my way of hiding. I didn’t want to stand out. I reasoned that the options were to “showy” and I didn’t want me cloths to represent me, only my mind! It was my ego’s subtle way of blending into the wallpaper and making sure I didn’t get noticed.
Part of the change I made was buying nicer, flashier, more form fitting clothes. Some outfits were tough and I thought to myself, “this isn’t me.” But that was the emotion I was looking to confront. I mean, I really didn’t even know who was me back then.
I also started dancing by my myself at home (I leaned the Gangnam style), I signed up for goofy costumed bike rides, and generally pushed myself to have “fun,” which was something I was quite opposed to in the past.
I listened to the kind of pop music I had previously been judgmental of. I made new friends. I read more self help books. These were all things that my ego would have previously dismissed as “basic,” “needy,” or “pathetic,” but I conjured up the fortitude to do it.
And guess what?
My ego adjusted.
In fact, with each change my ego got quite comfortable with the new reality, almost immediately.
The effect off all of this was essentially taking my identity and giving it a good shake.
I realized that what I thought was my identity wasn’t really my identity. It was a collection of beliefs I held onto but ultimately they kept me from being me. I wore it all like a big drab suit of armor so what was really underneath would never be exposed.
Once I got out of it, I realized I never really needed that armor at all.
Have you had a similar journey in your life? What did you do? How did it work for you?
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